On Tuesday 3rd April I had my pre-assessment at the hospital. As I said in my last post, I’d already had the “What the hell am I doing?!” moment and it continued until the appointment. I felt sick the whole way there, it’s a similar feeling to when I’ve been to the piercer/tattooist before – nervous excitement, questioning why I’m doing it, is it right, is it for me, what will I look like after, etc. Not quite the same but similar.
I got there in plenty of time for my appointment. Then realised I was on the wrong floor (habit of going to the surgical department) and had to run down the stairs to the right one. Good start, idiot child. When I got to the right place I then had to fill in a long questionnaire. I’m sure I’ve filled one in like this before but I had to do it again anyway. It was the usual questions – do you suffer from a, b or c? Do you smoke? Are you on any medication? Do you have any mobility problems? Will there be someone to look after you following surgery? Etc. My mind went totally blank at the medication one and I had to actually go online to look up the name of the pill I’ve been on for the past 8 years.
Idiot child with mushy brain. It was going well!
I handed the questionnaire back in and then after about 10 minutes I was called into a private room. It’s a bit of a blur now but the lady got on the phone and before I knew it she just asked, “19th June?” and I just nodded. And that was it. Confirmation of my surgery, at last! She had to print off a couple of booklets about the pre-surgery diet and so left the room for a minute. I really had to fight back the tears. It was so overwhelming.
After that I had to go for some blood tests and then for a cardiogram and that was it. I don’t see anyone from the hospital before the 19th June, I don’t have to go back to see a nurse or have a last appointment a week before to make sure I’ve done the diet or that I’m healthy and fit for surgery. Nothing. I thought that was a bit strange. I have a letter to take to my GP about pre-surgery meds and that’s it.
So the next time I go back to the hospital will be on the day of my surgery.
After the appointment, when I left the hospital, I was a bit numb. I had so many emotions that I didn’t know how I was supposed to be feeling. I called my mum to tell her how it went but I couldn’t speak to her. I didn’t speak to anyone for a while after the appointment. I got home and just sat on the settee not doing anything. It wasn’t until later that night that I snapped out of it a bit and spoke to people. It got better after that.
I’m still very nervous about the surgery and what’s coming up over the next two months but especially what’s coming up after those two months. Strangely, although I’ve been trying not to think about it I’ve still been thinking about it. I know that doesn’t make sense but I’ve sort of been distracting myself from my feelings about it but looking at the technical side of it – working on my website, researching foods and cookery, reading other people’s blogs, etc. rather than concentrating on how I’m feeling about my surgery. It’s still a mix of nervous excitement and apprehension.
I am looking forward to it though. I’ve still been looking at myself in the mirror wondering how my body is going to change (for the better of course!) I keep flicking through my regular catalogues and l’m having to stop myself from buying clothes because there’s no point.
In just over 5 weeks’ time I will be starting my pre-op diet. It’s very restrictive but I’m even looking forward to that! I just have to keep telling myself that it’s only for 4 weeks and then it’s the surgery.
I’m hellish nervous about everything. But this is what I want. This is going to happen. And it will be fantastic.