I’m now in my last few days of the pre-op diet and it can’t go quick enough. I’m fed up with it and just want it to be over. I have four full days left to go and then it’s surgery time on Tuesday. The last 24 days since I started the diet seem to have flown past. The first three weeks seemed to be fairly easy as during the week I was at work and it was ok because work distracted me and then I was busy at the weekends with various people visiting. However, last weekend I didn’t have anything planned and, well, I ate. I know I’m not meant to. I know this was bad. But I did it anyway and then felt awful after and ever since. I put on 2lbs and they’ve come off again but I haven’t lost any more than the 12lbs from last week. This has annoyed me a lot.
People have been very supportive though with most saying they have no idea how I’m coping and that 12lbs is still a lot but I’m still beating myself up about it. I’m so annoyed with myself as I wanted to lose more and I’m afraid it’ll screw things up when I go to the hospital on Tuesday. I’m scared they’ll say I haven’t lost enough weight or that my liver hasn’t shrunk enough or something else is wrong and I’ll be turned away. I think this fear is even bigger than my actual pre-surgery fear.
My pre-surgery fear is the fact that I have to walk to the operating theatre and lay on the table (that looks like a dentist’s chair) so they can get me in the right position before giving me the anaesthetic. I know I’m going to be a mess at this point and will probably cry and that’ll upset my mum as well and then that’ll upset me even more. Thinking about this gives me a lump in my throat every time, even now writing about it. But even this far is outweighed by the fear of rejection before I even get to that stage.
Everything has been playing on my mind this week. I’ve been stressed out by work, getting everything ready before I leave, as well as other stuff going on in my life as well as the surgery. I haven’t been sleeping very well either and, to put it politely, I’m not able to go to the toilet right now (adding to the non-weight loss?) so it’s all been going around in my head constantly. Tomorrow is my last day in work so I think maybe once that’s out of the way then perhaps a little weight will be lifted off my shoulders and I can relax somewhat.
I haven’t really been doing much else apart from fixating on food and wanting to eat. Just counting down the final days now.
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