A funsize breakdown

Last night I was watching Shallow Hal (don’t judge me!) and I ended up having a mini breakdown. Is this movie art imitating life? I’m guilty of judging people. I do it a lot less than I used to as a result of backpacking for a year and realising that people really aren’t what you think they are based on how they look. However, this doesn’t always stop me from judging people especially from their size.

Thing is, I don’t judge them per se, I look at them and wonder if they feel the same things I do about being their size. What went wrong in their life to make them eat more or exercise less or whatever. I empathise with them. I sometimes get angry when I catch someone staring and I know I shouldn’t do it myself. I’m paranoid because I think I’m being judged and made fun of because of my size. If someone walks past me and laughs then my immediate reaction is “What the f@$k are they laughing at me for?!” and I can be very aggressive. I can’t help it, it’s my knee-jerk reaction and I often wonder if other people this size feel the same way.

These people might not even be staring at me or laughing at me but in my head they are. Even if they are staring it might be because of what I’m wearing (I do have some pretty cool T-shirts even if I do say so myself) or it might be because I’ve got a few piercings and they’re curious. I do try to hold onto my temper but it doesn’t always work.

I digress, the reason for my funsize breakdown wasn’t because of staring issues but because I was reminded that my pre-assessment appointment is tomorrow and I’m scared. I had a “What the hell am I doing?!” moment. I know there are many, MANY, pros and cons to having this surgery but I just have to keep telling myself that the pros far outweigh (hah! no pun intended) the cons. This is a good thing to happen. It will be hard, it will be a long journey, it’s definitely not going to be easy and requires a great deal of commitment but this is what I want… This is what I want:

  • I want to be able to run around with my nephews.
  • I want to be able to fit into [certain] aeroplane seats without having to ask for an extender belt.
  • I want to ride rollercoasters without having to go in the “fat” seat, or worrying that I won’t fit in at all, or having to fake a headache because I’m afraid I’ll be asked to leave the ride because I’m too heavy.
  • I want to shop in ‘normal’ clothes shops.
  • I want to be able to sit on a train or bus without having to hold my elbows together as not to spill onto the person sitting next to me.
  • I want to go back to my home village without being embarrassed at my size.
  • I want to go out with my friends and not feel like an embarrassment.
  • I want my parents to be proud of my achievement.
  • I want to be able to look at photos of myself in disbelief that I used to be that big.
  • I want to be one of those people who puts on a pair of old jeans to take a photo because I can now fit two of me in them.
  • I want to be more than just “the fat girl”.
  • I want to fit into pretty clothes.
  • I want to be attractive.


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  1. 1

    Just catching up on your blog. This post made me cry! I echo all of your paranoia and desires! I sincerely hope the surgery brings you everything you want and I have no doubt that you will overcome your fears along the way and emerge as a slimmer, more confident version of the beautiful, fantastic person you already are. Kat. x

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